"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." 
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)

this is not exactly where i thought i'd be in life. i never pictured myself as a single mother. i'm just not good enough at the mom thing to do it alone. i try, but it's not a true success, ever. i'm easily stressed out, and i find myself yelling more than i'd like. and more often than not i feel like i'm missing out on so much because i'm too busy being stressed out.

as i look forward the future, i have no idea what to expect. fuck, i have no idea what i even want.


okay, that's a lie. i want to be happy.

i'm the person in control of what happens in life, and that's fucking scary. it's scary to me that now i'm the only person in control of what happens in the future.

so what do i want? who the fuck knows; but i'm totally willing to try whatever it takes til i figure it out.

that's just how i roll.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." 
— Eleanor Roosevelt

a lack of self esteem is something i've been aware of my whole life. it probably had something to do with the fact that everyone around me as a child was brutal about my weight. i couldn't even tell you the point in my life when i became uncomfortable with my body. it was probably earlier than i can remember.

as i began to grow up, it stuck with me. i was the girl who hit puberty super late, so by middle school was i, not only, overweight; i also had no chest.

when i finally got my boobs the summer between freshman and sophomore year, i finally felt more confident. but from there i only did whatever i could to emphasis my chest over the rest of my body. low cut shirts, even a shirt that said, "hi, i'm up here" on the front. the attention i got from my boobs thrilled me. but i was still very self conscious about the rest of my body.

that just carried on from there. after high school i got pregnant three times in three years and ended up 80 pounds heavier than the already self-conscious me was in high school.


my point... to this day, as a single mother to three awesome kids and someone who feels pretty accomplished in other areas of her life, i still cringe when someone sees my stomach.

i've, my whole life, let people make me feel inferior because i wasn't skinny or stunning looking. and as an adult, i'm not sure how to turn it all around. how to find the self esteem i so badly want to find.

i just wanna be good with being me. is that really too much to ask for?

now that we're here, it’s so far away. and I feel like I can face the day. I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.

-staind

in the past few months, I’ve changed so much. sometimes I think that I haven’t, but I know when I look back at the person I used to be, I’m not her anymore.

I’m smarter, less jaded, more cautious of my feelings, more trusting of myself, and mostly, I’m more me. or maybe I’m not more me, maybe I’m less of everything else I was before.

some things will never be the same. now I have three little people to think about and consider in my plans.

what plans?

I really have none. yet. ideally, I’ll find a decent job, continue trying to find who I am, and I’ll be an amazing single mother to those three little people.

and maybe, eventually, I’ll find a boy who thinks I’m worth whatever it takes to make me his. maybe.